Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Oh, Those Blockbuster Nights...

Hello Friends.

Due to time and budget constraints, I'll have no vacation this summer, EFW (except for weddings). That's been the case for several years now. The last proper summer vacation I remember was a great trip to B.C. about five years ago. I saw my friends Andrea and Shannon, we ate and drank and laughed ourselves stupid. I bopped around downtown Vancouver solo for one of those days, feeling healthy and wealthy (and a little Asian) among the fancy shops and high-rises. And I reconnected with high school friends Lewis, Scott and Parker for a trip to Kelowna and a nearby beach/island place where we stayed. A great trip all-around, as I remember it. I got the worst sunburn of my life, incidentally, and the worst part about it turned out to be that I couldn't suck my stomach in at all. I cash the “suck it in” chip at least twenty times a day so to spend those few days bloated and cherry red really cut into my beach lounging experience.

Anyway, Parker managed a movie theatre at that time, so the night I arrived he pulled a few strings and arranged to have us in his theatre after hours for a midnight preview screening of what was sure to be the hottest ticket in town, the yet-to-be-released Transformers! Even though this movie was a few days short of actually coming out and making a ton of money, the buzz around it was such that it was sure to be the blockbusteriest of summer blockbusters. Parker had invited us, his visiting friends, as well as local friends of his, which were more the bar guys, more into sports and cars, more... like d-bags. Well the d-bags lost their shit over Transformers. The laughed at the unfunny jokes, cheered at the computer-generated special effects, they wanted to be Shia LeBeauf and doink Megan Fox. Micheal Bay knew what he was doing, in other words. I was less than impressed, of course, because if life is a cabaret, I'm the wet blanket in the corner. Sadly, I've always been like that when it comes to summer movies. If everybody loves something, I reason it must be terrible and congratulate myself with some godawful French movie about countrysides and family secrets and scalding cups of tea. Anyway, I can't spend another summer avoiding the big movies until they are released on video, gather dust for a few years, then become movies to show ironically at hipster parties (“Who brought Arachnophobia? Was it you, Zane? Kudos, Zane!”). This summer, I'm going to the movies!

Dream: See all the summer blockbusters in theatres!

Goal: Unachievable. Prohibitive costs aside, I couldn't possibly see every movie which opens this summer; there are huge openings every weekend! But I shall kick it off in earnest with Bridesmaids, starring Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph (the two funniest people from the last five years of SNL), which opens this weekend, and pick and choose a few titles from now until September.

Plan: Only pick surefire winners and get the tickets early for:

Beer Tits. Seth Rogen, Jason Segel and Anthony Hopkins star as three college buddies desperate to score some beer tonight! But wait, what does that girl have? TITS?!?!

Who? Olivia Wilde plays Olivia Munn, a sexy ingenue looking for career advice from Jessica Alba (boldly portrayed by Jessica Biel) on how to have a career and keep her hot husband, Ryan Reynolds (Ryan Gosling). She sees many of her contemporaries fail, like Evan Rachel Wood (as played by Rachel Leigh Cook), Bridget Moynihan (Michelle Monaghan), and Amber Tamblyn (Shambly Crambles). But at least she'll always have the love of her father, Bill Paxton (played, in an Oscar-worthy performance, by Bill Pullman).

I Have a Vague Recollection of Something Happening Here Several Summers Ago

Disney's Wartz: In a heartwarming, computer-animated tale for the whole family, we delve deep under the skin, and get to the heart. Danny is about to go off to college, but that means the warts on his upper thigh are ready for one last adventure! Whitehead (Jonah Hill) and Pus-face (James Franco) are two buddy warts ready to take the journey with Danny but Blackhead (Tracey Morgan) has other ideas! Can they all agree to get along before the evil dermatologist (Meryl Streep) decides to have them lanced?

Glee School Musical. Uh-oh! Can the Glee Club put on a musical before the big championship sing-off?

MILF-Fated. Single girl Trixie (Katherine Heigl) and her widowed Grandma Dixie (Jennifer Lopez) are wooed by the same dashing older man (Justin Bieber). Will either of them win his heart, or will he be wooed away by that cold, rich snob (a flagpole with a blonde wig on it-in negotiations)?

Faster & Considerably More Furiouser.

Who Are You Sicker Of? Gerard Butler and Vince Vaughan star.

Loud Equals Funny. Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell match wits with Chris Rock and an air raid siren. Nobody quiets down for a fucking minute.

Jennifer Aniston's Most Recent Failure

Okay, so not all of these exist yet, but I feel like we're closer to them then we think. My problem with these mass-market blockbuster movies is that they're ostensibly fed to us with a spoon. The characters are so simple, the stories so unoriginal, and the soundtracks so Nickelback-heavy that I just want to stay home every summer. But my unwillingness to enjoy such something as light and palatable as a popcorn movie suggests there's something wrong with me, not the movies themselves. So maybe this summer I should just lighten up, fork over a few bucks, turn my brain off, and for a few hours, take a vacation.

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