If anyone reading this should be near me on the occasion of my death, I have but one instruction. Should iPods and iTunes still be a thing, throw my iPod into the nearest ravine, and delete the contents of my iTunes library, or donate them to needy effeminates without looking at any of the music therein.
My embarrassment at my musical taste it pretty acute. It's a sad state of affairs that the musical acts I admit to liking embarrass most people, like dreamy 1970's troubled troubadour James Taylor who is, in 2012, little more than a Lite FM staple (it would be different if I just loved his early stuff, but no, give me the sedate, happy strumming of September Grass any day). If that's the stuff I openly praise, imagine the stuff I hide from you people! I have so many Katy Perry singles that iTunes says to me, “Just buy the album, James. We'll give it you for three dollars. Three dollars, James, you already own most of this!” I pay money I earn from a job so I can hear Bon Iver cover Bonnie Raitt, both artists so terminally uncool as to land me a spot in musical purgatory. And my weak attempts at cred are always counter-balanced by something ear-bleedingly insipid. For every M83 track, I've got a Lady Gaga album. For every Wilco, a Wilson Phillips. For every Kings of Leon, a Kings of Leon. And that's not the worst.
I hesitate to report the worst to you, dear Readers, but if I'm going to get on my high horse and lecture everybody every other week about how I'm right and the rest of the world is wrong on any given topic, I may as well give the haters some ammo. Have any of you ever heard of Carly Rae Jepsen? If you haven't, it's because you're not a fourteen year-old girl. Well, she sat at number two with her song “Call Me Maybe” on iTunes' list of most downloaded songs the other day when I was home, bored, looking to fill the 'pod. There's this thing on iTunes you can preview a track for a minute and thirty seconds. Curiosity got the better of me, I previewed this girl I had never heard of, was instantly hooked (I mean instantly!) and paid the $0.99 to add it to my collection promptly, where it has enjoyed heavy rotation ever since. “Call Me Maybe” is everything that music purists will decry about the industry. It's singer, the young Carly, is a singer discovered and signed by Justin Bieber (who doesn't occupy much space in my pod, which I could be proud of but, y'know, glass houses) and the song is an overly simple melody, surely auto-tuned to Hell and back, with lyrics like these:
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'