My New Webseries...

Hello Friends.

Okay, so my webseries doesn't exist yet. I mean, it exists insofar as I've thought of what it could be, but I haven't actually done anything about it. I love webseries, I think they're one of the most interesting and creative uses of the internet. And I think the quality of this medium surpasses its predecessor, television, in a lot of ways. Put Christine Nangle and Peter Schultz's I Wanna Have Your Baby up against Whitney on NBC and see what makes you laugh more. Creating something from nothing and then giving it freely to the masses means one has full creative control over its production. There are no sponsors to appease, no demographic to cater to. No money in it either, I suppose, but it seems like a well-done webseries can be a gateway to a satisfying paying career. Donald Glover, who wrote for 30 Rock and is now on Community got his start writing and starring in his online sketch show Derrick Comedy. Aubrey Plaza landed meetings for Parks & Recreation, Funny People, and Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World based on her own webseries and sketch comedy work. Of course, it's never that easy. Or is it?

Dream: Create a humourous webseries.

Goal: Achievable, with lots of help. It seems to me that the funniest people aren't the most technologically adept and vice-versa. That's why there seem to be some low budget, terribly lit, hard to hear webseries with atrocious camera work by hilarious people, and high end, polished, looks just like tv webseries that aren't funny at all. There's something about taking a funny script or funny people, filming it, and putting it online or on television that fails ninety-nine times out of a hundred. I know enough about my own limitations to know I would fall into the fail camp if left to my own devices. So all I would really need would be a producer, director, other actors, camera guys, internet nerds, a set, and some money, and I'll be good to go.

Plan: Be the ideas man. Hey, unfunny freelance production team, want something to work on that came out of my brain (all ideas copyrighted by me in perpetuity)? BOOM!

Hey Girl, Remember Me? With Justin and Justin. Set in 2024, Justins Bieber and Timberlake attempt to revive their dead careers by making YouTube videos together. They disparage their dwindling amount of YouTube subscribers ("1400, girl? That's not even a good Black Friday crowd, girl!"), appeal to their former famous friends, ("Hey Usher, where you at? Quit dogging me, dog! Quit... being a dog to me") and plug their charity, Justins' Kids. Justins' Kids isn't a charity so much as a source of income to provide for Justin and Justin's children for things like: a demo tape, ProActiv solution, lap band surgery, double-wide booster seats, Amelia Bedelia books, and psychoanalysis. Expect cameos from first season American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini, and unfunny Hangover movie fourth guy Justin Bartha.

Can I Get Black To You On That? A nerdy, put-upon white guy (played by me) can't deal with arguments or confrontation, but someone's always trying to push him around! Luckily, he's figured around around this problem. Every time someone gets in his face about something, he excuses himself for a moment and returns as a super-cool badass black guy. Yeah.

Newsmakers Web Series Webseries Under the pretext of a serious interview program, controversial politicians and pundits (Bill O'Reilly, Michelle Bachman, Rob Ford) will arrive for what they think is a a serious roundtable discussion. In fact, Web Series will just be them walking out onstage and right into a spider web that has been woven at face-level. Then they'll do that hilarious "I just walked into a spiderweb" dance and the host (me) will laugh and laugh!

Are You Cornelius Bumblecrum? A search for the world's most hilarious and endearing name, hosted by two Facebook friends of mine, Fred Kitchen and Emersen Ziffle! They don't know each other yet, but Fred Kitchen and Emersen Ziffle are really sweet people, and those are their awesome real names!

The Sickest Duets. The most popular singing sensations on YouTube team up to duet on your favourite songs. One problem: One or both of the singers is terribly ill! Whether afflicted whooping cough or food poisoning, these singers will derail every song with an uncontrollable viral intervention. For example, say two teenagers from different parts of the world want to record a Skyped duet of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You." Here's how that might look:

TEEN 1: 'Cuz I just want you for my own/

TEEN 2: I feel funny..

TEEN 1: More than you could ever know/

TEEN 2: We have to stop, I think...

TEEN 1: Make my wish come truuue!/

TEEN 2: Oh God...

TEEN 1: Baby, all I want for Christmas is...

TEEN 2: BLAAAARG! Ohhh, it's all over my shirt! Did it get on the monitor? It got on the monitor.

My Robot Buddy! Brother and sister Billy and Amy spend all afternoon making a pots and pans robot that actually works! They can't believe it when the robot cleans their room, does their chores, and finishes their homework! Wow! Billy and Amy hide their new friend in the closet whenever Mom or Dad come check in, but it's too late! The robot has caught a glimpse of Mom and is determined to have sex with her. Uh-oh!

These are just a few of the ideas I have ready for production. I got a million of them. There could be a webseries devoted to the weird way people walk around the shoe store when they first try on a pair of shoes. You know, when you're thinking, "I don't really walk like this, but I sort of forget how I walk." That's a show. Or one of those Teen Moms will have to adopt an entitled sixteen year-old and raise her as her own. We could call it Teen Teen Mom. Why do we need all these remakes and sequels in Hollywood? Those are perfectly viable ideas right there. But ideas alone aren't enough. I need follow-through! I need ambition! I need a really good lighting, sound, and camera person. I could make the world laugh if I tried really hard, like these web series people do. Or maybe I could just fall down.