Hello Friends.
Here’s all I know about being cool: there is too much cachet
in being contrary. Apparently, there’s nothing cool about enthusiasm or
support, but it is the coolest thing to denigrate and dismiss. Oh, does
everyone like Wes Anderson? Here’s why I HATE him! Is that show Girls good? No,
it’s TERRIBLE! Is it supposed to get warmer out soon? I hope not, pleasant
weather SUCKS ASS!
I bring up this trend because I’m definitely guilty of
participating in it. If something gets too popular, I immediately grow
suspicious of its appeal. Instead of thinking, “This many people can’t be
wrong!” I think, “I can’t way to prove how wrong this many people are!” For
instance, I’ll never understand that show How I Met Your Mother, but it gets
huge ratings. Am I wrong for disliking this show, or is everyone else wrong for
liking it? The truth is, of course, that there is no wrong or right, it comes
down to personal preference.
With this preamble almost complete, I hope that anyone
reading this entry will take the viewpoints herein as a difference of opinion
and not a denigration or a dismissal of the beliefs and attitudes of others. I
don’t mean to be contrary or deliberately “on the wrong side” of this topic
just to stand out and/or be cool. I hold the following beliefs for myself only
and my attitudes on this issue have no bearing on how I feel about you. I hope
I’m being clear here.
Dream: Never get married.
Goal: Achievable. By some lucky roll of the dice, my partner
of eight years shares my views on this topic. We love when other people get
married. We love going to weddings. We love the speeches and the dancing and
the emotion of it all. We just don’t want it for ourselves. But we might change
our mind. Maybe a change in the political climate would mean that our rights as
a common-law same sex couple would not be the same as a married same sex
couple. If, by not being married, either Jon or I would have difficulty in
terms of our legal rights, we’d get hitched tomorrow. If we lived in the US or
ever have to move there for a professional opportunity or something, we’d want
the legal recognition that comes with marriage there (in some states, anyway).
But right now, as it stands, we’ll both settle for the “always a bridesmaid”
label and here’s why:
Plan: Avoid taking part in the institution of marriage by
articulating exactly why it doesn't work (for us! Doesn't work for us!
For you, it quite possibly works perfectly). I would not like to get married
because:
$. Weddings are so goddamned expensive. According to a
survey in Weddingbells magazine (my favourite ‘zine next to Sleddingballs), the
average cost of a wedding in Canada in 2013 is $32,358. That’s the down payment
on a house! That’s a nice car! That’s a fresh pack of gum every single day for
an entire life! I know your wedding was cheaper. I know there are great
cost-cutting measures like getting your cousin to officiate and making a
bouquet out of garbage, but you know the best money-saving tip there is for a
wedding? Not having a wedding. The Doc makes good money, and I make… money, but
putting so much of towards a ceremony that’s over in a day hardly seems
prudent.
Tradition. I feel really shitty not leaping at the chance to
get married as a gay person because so many people fought and are fighting so
hard for my right to do so. As I’ve said, as it pertains to legal rights and
security, I’m so absolutely thrilled that the option is available. But I think
a few generations of gay weddings have to go by before there can truly be gay
weddings. As it stands in western culture, so much of marriage is
disappointingly archaic. A father symbolically giving a bride to a groom is so
absolutely creepy, if you think about it. There’s something so, “she’s yours to
take care of now!” about it. Why does the bride have to be “given away” at all?
Maybe both parents should walk the bride and the groom to each other. Maybe
parents should steer clear of the aisle entirely and the bride and groom can
walk down it together! Why is there an aisle, anyway? Also important to note is
that neither one of us is particularly religious nor are our families. We don’t
feel incomplete without making a covenant before God or anything, but that
feeling could change, too.
More troubling than the wedding ceremony traditions are the
roles that marriage still carry in 2014. Being someone’s spouse seems to take
away a certain autonomy to both parties. His reckless spending destroys her
credit rating. Her car accident increases his deductible. What the hell is that
about? And parenting without being married is still seen in many circles as
raising a child at a deficit, but why? Again, I think what I’m circling back to
is a gay issue. We just don’t have to deal with ancient gender stereotypes that
don’t make any sense. Society places a pretty high premium on men and women
uniting in marriage, but a man needs a husband like a fish needs a bicycle.
There’s nothing Jon and I stand to gain by marrying each other that we don’t
have already. If we were to wed, there’d only be one unique opportunity open to
us that is currently denied us a couple:
Divorce. I couldn't bear to split up with Jon, but
statistically, if we get married, there’s a 40 to 50% chance that we’ll get divorced
in turn. It’s so weird and sad to know people my age who have already been
through a marriage and the dissolution of that marriage. I know more separated
or divorced people than I know married people. And I know this says more about
the state of relationships than it does about marriage itself; if Jon and I are
meant to ever part company, marriage is no more likely to keep us together in
this day and age than the lack of a marriage. But let me ask the following
question: If you had to get somewhere and your transportation options were a
train that moved quickly but had a 40 percent change of derailing, or a bus
that didn’t go as fast but gave you the opportunity to get off at every stop,
how many of you would choose the train? Gimme the bus! When I meet couples who
have been together for a long time and aren’t married to each other, part of me
thinks, “Good for you guys!” For whatever reason, I get more of a sense that
the couple want to be together than I do with a couple who has been married for
the same amount of time. I’ve heard the argument that the covenant of marriage
reinforces commitment to love and fidelity, which may be true, but if a piece
of paper is the only thing keeping you in love and faithful, you have bigger
issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.
I know I’m skirting around the main issue here, which is
that people get married in spite of these roadblocks, knowing what they know
about cost and divorce rates and antiquated tradition simply because they love
each other that much and darn it, they just want to tie the knot. I love those
kinds of weddings, the “let’s just have a good time! Let us be your hosts!” of
it all. For this reason, Jon and I want to throw a big party someday; maybe for
our ten year anniversary in 2016. A real shindig that says, “We love each other
and you guys too!” Something that is uniquely our own and expresses just how
lucky we feel to have found each other. And everyone will come (even you!) and
we’ll celebrate how much fun it is to get another spin around the sun with great
friends, family, and our most significant of others. Isn’t that the coolest
thing of all?
PS. If I turn around and get married someday, everybody be
cool and pretend I didn’t say any of this stuff.
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