Teeth

I will spend my lunch hour at work in various ways. Sometimes I bring leftovers from home and join coworkers, sometimes I walk to the grocery store or fast food places nearby. But every lunch hour, after I’ve eaten and returned to my office, I brush my teeth.

I keep a toothbrush and tube of tooth paste at my desk, and I think maybe the trouble starts because they are full-sized. Maybe if I had a travel-sized baby toothbrush and a discreet mini-toothpaste, taking them to the washroom would be less conspicuous, but right now people react as if I’m carrying two dildos. Their eyes register what I have, and they sort of recoil.

I brush my teeth at the sink, like a citizen proud of his dental hygiene, and guys coming in to use the bathroom observe me with disgust. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? These guys are coming in to expel waste from their personhood and I’M gross?

Consensus from people that I’ve spoken to about this seems to be that the practice is extreme. Chew gum if you want fresh breath after eating, they say. But that’s a temporary fix, like dousing a turd in CK One. I’d rather really clean my teeth before returning to work, and take that fresh mouth feeling back to my desk (along with, apparently, my two rubber penises).

I open it up to the group. Am I doing something strange or bad? Do any of you brush your teeth at work? Let’s swirl this around our mouths a bit.