I'm aware of the contradictions inherent in never going to the movies, buy albums, or watching television, and tuning into award shows every year, but that doesn't slow me down. I'm a sucker for award shows, be they for television, movies, or music, again in spite of the fact that I have no more than a passing interest in all three. I tell friends that I'm tuning into just to enjoy them ironically, make fun of the dresses, etc, but regardless of my intention, I get totally sucked-in as these nights roll on. Awards season hasn't even really begun and I'm already sucked-in. For instance, I'm scared if we don't give Meryl Streep another Oscar, she's just going to stop making movies. I'm sure she's not so shallow as to determine her worth based on her winnings, but what if she's not, you guys! When Sandra Bullock beat her out a few years ago for There's a Black Person in my House, I thought Meryl was going to throw up her hands, change into sweatpants and just be like, “Fuck y'all! What do I have to do?”
And the pageantry of it all is pretty seductive, but silly at its core. For instance, though the Emmy's, Golden Globe's, Grammy's are broadcast live, they have to give out the awards nobody cares about first, like Fattest Lighting Technician or Second Best Best Boy, so the red carpet for this stuff happens at, like, two in the afternoon. So all these people traipsing around in evening wear, pretending like it's a late night soiree and they're not sweltering in the heat are already ridiculous. And the red-carpet prattle is the worst thing about humans, collectively. Yes, we start wars and kill each other over our perceived differences, but if someone asks Tina Fey what she thinks Sarah Palin would say about Helen Mirren's bangin' bikini bod, that's truly the least we can do.
Of course, I shamefacedly admit that another great part of watching award shows is the fantasy that I will win one myself. I imagine my speech, and who I would thank (and who I would pointedly not thank, just to piss them off). I rehearse it so completely every year for some imaginary contribution to something great, I just can't let my life go by without giving that speech.
Dream: Win a big, fancy award on television.
Goal: Unachievable. Based on my acting and screenplay writing ability, I will never win and Oscar, and I can't imagine singing or narrating an audiobook to such a degree to win a Grammy. I might win an Emmy if my nine-episode arc as a troubled teen on NCIS:NYC:STI pans out to a full season, but that's unlikely, too. The answer is not to improve in any of these over-saturated fields, but rather to hope that they start to televised awards given out for things I could conceivably win.
Plan: Pitch some televised awards given out in the following categories:
- Best Pretending Not to Smell You After You Stunk Up This Enclosed Space We Share
- Best Exercise of Caution in Throwing Out Nearly Expired Dairy (Three Days or More Category)
- Best Achievement of a Triple-Chin By Pulling Face Into Neck
- Best Fake Absorption in Reading When an Old Person Stands Near You on a Bus (As You are Seated)
- Best Consistent Mispronunciation of “February” (Male)
- Best Continuous Wearing of A Single Pair of Jeans (Ten Days or More Category)
- Lifetime Achievement in Hypochondria
- Best Misjudging Straw Distance Without Looking
- Best Thinking There Isn't a Bottom Stair But Then There IS
- Most Forceful Noseblow (Canada)
- Smallest Debit Purchase Gala – Honoured Guest
- Shick Triple-Blade Misuse Award as presented by The Cut-Up Face Guild
- Best Ghostwritten Bob Hoskins Autobiography for Don't Shoot, it's Only Smee
- Most Reluctant to Participate in a Standing Ovation
- Best Killing of a Joke from Over-Explanation
- Best Feigned Interest in a Friend's Convoluted Dream
- Best Use of Dream/Goal/Plan Format Within City-Themed Weblog (Canada)
- Most Pizzaest Gut
Scoff if you must (but must you?), I figure we'll have a plethora of award shows soon enough. People love all of these reality shows where judges get all judge-y, but ratings are highest during the audition period and the finale episodes. What is an award show if not that? A bunch of nominees get onstage, a winner is crowned, and then the cameras zoom in on all the losers pretending to be happy. Then at the end of the year, we'd have the Award Awards, where the best award show is awarded. Anyway, there about to play me off here, so let me just say it was an honour to write this for you, oh my god, my family, my friends, all of you, thank you so much.