Hello Friends.
Well it's that time of year again!
We're in that golden period where it probably won't snow tomorrow,
but it's not so hot as to be insufferable. Not officially summer, but
really my preferred few weeks. I never used to be a giant baby about
it being too hot until I moved into the top floor of an apartment
with no air conditioning in a humid place. Now I'm a sweat-stained
infant. So really, this is my summer in the city. Break out your
lighter sweaters or heavier t-shirts. Plop an ice cube your Ovaltine
to take the edge off. Go swimming in an indoor pool and leave with
your hair still kind of wet. It's tolerable spring.
Dream: Have a blast this tolerable
spring.
Goal: Achievable. Every August, with a
bag of frozen peas dripping on my pizza gut, I always think, “Why
didn't I appreciate those last few weeks of May? That's when it was
perfect.” Well now it's that time, and I'm going to celebrate it.
Plan: Enjoy summer activities before
everyone else wises up and tries to join me. Activities like:
Sitting on a patio. This is an awesome
way to enjoy passers-by and marvel at how heat lamps just don't set
places ablaze. If it gets cool at night, ask to move inside. Pretty
sure servers love finding a place for you.
Going to the beach. It's too cold to
swim and definitely not warm enough for shorts, so I recommend
setting down a blanket, then an anti-sand layer of garbage bags, then
resting your be-kakhi'd legs for a quick read of an old magazine and
then you're done.
Outdoor concerts. The beauty part is,
you don't have to actually attend, and watch those weird, crunchy
earth mother types with babies on their hips doing that swaying dance
way to close to the speakers. Instead, when a friend asks you to a
potluck where everyone has to bring something vegan-friendly, you can
say, “Oh! So sorry, I have tickets to an outdoor concert.” Avoid
both activities and download episodes of Bob's Burgers or Veep
or whatever.
Wearing a blazer or sportcoat over a
t-shirt. This was my jam in
high school (I was not popular in high school). A great way to tell
people you're all business (or are you?), the t-shirt and
blazer keeps your arms warm and your pits moist (but who cares,
you've got a jacket on). And when people see you coming they think,
“Oh it's just another businessman and, hey wait! His t-shirt
advertises a novelty product or service from the olden times!
Definitely more hip than square, pals!”
Walking where you once did drive or, in
my case, take transit. Considering commutes, it's nearly impossible
to do away with all transportation entirely in favour of walking, but
I recommend getting off a stop or two early and avoiding the mad
crush of people all trying to get on or off at the same time. And if
you have a really short distance to travel before a bus gets to a
subway stop or the end of the line, just walk it. I take a really
crowded bus when I get off work at 5 pm, and everyone is trying to
get to the subway station. It gets so full that, as the bus gets
closer and closer to the station, it will stop picking up those lazy,
stupid dinks who can't walk two blocks to the subway. The assumption
is that another, less-full bus will be along shortly, or that they
should just be able to hoof it that short distance. Trust me,
non-transit-takers, nothing is more satisfying than watching someone
see a bus pull up to them, only to not open their doors and bypass
them entirely. They get all mad and make the “what the fuck?!”
open-armed gesture instead of merely walking five minutes in
beautiful weather. I should mention, though, that elderly people,
moms with young'uns, and folks with reduced mobility are always
picked up regardless of location, as they should be. Every bus patron
stands to offer a seat, or moves further back and gets even cozier to
allow these people on. It renews one faith in persons. But the
healthy folks who can't put one foot in front of the other? Enjoy
your walk, suckas!
Eating ice cream. Trust that I have ice
cream year around, but there's something about eating it in cold
weather that just feels stupid. It's like you've insisted on wearing
pajamas to school, or including the dog's name on your outgoing
answering machine message. Both things you certainly can do, but
should you? But when it gets even a little bit warmer outside, no one
can fault your indulgence in an ice-cream treat. I'm particularly
fond of frozen yogurt this year too. Recently, a friend introduced me
to Menchie's, this frozen yogurt chain where you do everything
yourself. You load up a cup with a flavour of your choice (and they
have cutesy fun ones like Birthday Cake, Peppermint Lime, Barbecue
Maple) and then the fix-ins! The fix is in for these fix-ins!
Crumbled up toffee? Yes. Sprinkly-dinklies? Sure. Marshmallows in
pastel colours? Affirmative. Dates? Fuck you! There aren't any dates!
It's all CANDY! Cram your sweets hole with candy you sugared tramp!
Then they just weigh or measure your bowl and determine a price
arbitrarily. “Total's $3.75 but a few more sprinkly-dinklies would
have run you eighty dollars.”
These activities and more are why I
look forward to the coming weeks. Summer is such a short time,
really, and the pressure to fill it with fun is immense, so why be
beholden to specific dates? Summer is more a state of mind than the
proper time to wear shorts (which is never, by the way). So slip a
blazer over that tea and meet me on the patio of Menchie's, unless it
gets coldies. Let's have fun that can't be measured.
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