Thursday, 1 November 2012


Hello Friends.

Surely some revelation is at hand. W.B. Yeats said that in his poem The Second Coming, and it's weird how amazing poetry can apply to any time period and situation. Especially prescient of him to predict that, in 2012, I'd be making a public appeal to a heartburn medication.

Dream: Become the the guy who writes the Twitter account for Gaviscon.

Goal: Achievable. Every corporate entity has to have a Twitter presence. The following companies have Twitter: Mrs. Dash, Green Giant, Scotch Tape, Kotex, Crispers, Trojan, Vicks, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But not Gaviscon, so why couldn't I be the guy who does that? If people log on to hear the musings of a tampon or can of corn, surely my funny tweets will get some new hearts afire (flames which can be easily extinguished thanks to Gaviscon's patented coating action).

Plan: Explain why I would be the perfect candidate for this position.

1) I'm am a good at writer things funny down. Unlike the plant I never played or the clarinet I never watered, some form of writing has been a constant hobby for most of my life. Though this current blog is only three years old, I had a MySpace blog before that, a LiveJournal before that, and a dramatic teenage diary before those. I maintain two Twitter accounts, one that is funny and one that is deeply informative. I write notes for my boyfriend that are adorably passive-aggressive ("It's so cute how you drank all the milk!"). I write plays for teens to perform so as to keep them from wrecking their lives by doing drugs or starting a band with their friends. I write articles for random websites. I comment on pictures of your kids on Facebook so much that I get banner ads for adoption agencies. So I could TOTALLY write 140 character blurbs on behalf of a tablet that foams up all fancy and keeps acid from travelling up your esophagus.

2) I use the product all the time. I don't know when I became a tea-and-toast old person, but lately it seems like any spicy food beyond a certain hour of the day sentences me a painful night. The other day I had this cajun chicken which was so good that I had to dig leftovers out of the fridge for an awesome Dateline double-header about a guy who was like a mime-preacher? Like, he did these gospel performances in silence and then he moved to Vegas and hooked up with this girl who was a bikini model for car magazines and they did GHB together one night and he might have accidentally killed her but we're not sure so it's 2 episodes back-to-back? Anyway, but that was too late for chicken and later that night I woke up just ravaged by my burning heart. I tried to wait out the pain by just waking up to watch the W Network at 4 am. By the way, do you know what's on the W Network at 4 am? Episode after episode of Will & Grace. That show and Friends have become one of the great mysteries of my life, if I might digress for a second. When those shows were first run, Thursday nights in the late 90's/early 00's, I watched them religiously. I found the characters to be witty, urbane, and relatable. I even wrote a spec script for Will & Grace (like every gay kid at the time, so shut up). Now, in reruns, both programs are insufferable. Will & Grace in particular is so shrill! I love Megan Mullaly, particularly her turns in Party Down, Parks & Rec, and Bob's Burgers, but the voice she had on that show! And her co-hort, the guy who played Jack, that guy is bananas. Just so flowery and flamboyant. Here is a scene with all four principles:

WILL: Declarative statement! Statement! Statement! Arm-waving!
GRACE: Whiiiine, though? Whiiining, is how I sound?
JACK: Sofabed lollipop bubblegum power bottom butterfly!

Anyway, I couldn't stand it so I popped some 'scon and was back to bed in five minutes.

3) I would love the flexibility of working from home. Look, I have to believe running Gaviscon's Twitter account would require a computer and maybe a phone. I don't need to put on a suit and punch in every day to write, "TGIF! How are you spending your Friday night? We're thinking tacos! #NoHeartburn #GimmeTenTacos" And if I could write from anywhere, I could travel to anywhere! While I'm grateful to have my current retail job as a sweater-folding priss at a fancy clothier, I am committed to working most of Christmas, which means I'll be lucky to get home to see the folks. But I will tweet 'round the yule log if it means I can get drunk with my brother and play SuperNintendo (like holidays of yore).

4) I can sell things! I've got years of customer service work, Gaviscon, and I recently ended a stint writing online copy for products and services that were often HORRIBLE. I sold weekend staycations at 2-Star motels in Brampton. I sold hot stone massages in a Halifax basement. I sold an exercise machine that didn't do shit! Imagine what I could do for a product I actually like, one that I know works.

I wrote an abbreviated and more professional version of this to the heartburn specialists at Gaviscon, and they recently sent back a form letter saying that my information was being forwarded to their advertising department. I'm choosing to take this as a good sign. Look, just give me the job, Gaviscon. Take a chance on an aspiring writer who doesn't want to backslide into retail and become complacent in customer service drudgery. Allow me 140 characters to change all of our lives. Present me with a sweet challenge to chew on, watch your profits foam up, and let me sleep soundly thanks to the benefit of satisfying employment, the desire for which burns ever brighter in my beating heart.

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