Thursday, 27 February 2014

Get Richer Quicker...

Hello Friends.

They say if you believe if, you can achieve it. If you hold tight to your Dreams, they're bound to be realized. If you just put it out there into the universe, it will come back to you. Well I'm here to tell you that's a buttload of hot nonsense. The proof? I had a Dream four years, two months, and eighteen days ago that I've really, really hoped for and it hasn't come true! The very first Big City James entry concerned amassing an obscene amount of wealth but enjoy little responsibility. Well, it still hasn't happened and some 200 entries later, I've proven a fraudster! The blogspot people could review this any day now and say, "He's been claiming Dreams are Achievable for years and he's not obscenely wealthy. What a huckster Huxtable, let's shut him down and turn this blog into cat gifs."

Guys, I don't want to lose my blog and I really could use some obscene wealth. Yes, I'm making a little bit more money now, but I have to work for it, which is disgusting. I'd take the inherent guilt of having heaps of money for no good reason over the satisfaction of a modest paycheque well and truly earned any day of the week.

Dream: Obscene wealth with little responsibility.

Goal: Achievable, dammit! I wonder if it's true what they say, that one percent of the population has more wealth than the other ninety-nine, or if five percent of the population controls ninety-five percent of the wealth. If that's the case, I have the deck stacked in my favour. I'm a white male in a first world country, and I just have to be better than 95 (or 99) other people and I can't do it? Shameful.

Plan: Several more than last time. For instance, I could become wealthy by:

Stealing. I don't mean robbing bank. I have a face too long for most panty-hose masks and I develop a particularly homosexual gait when I'm nervous, so I'd be too easily identified. But there are crooked investors everywhere who pocket their clients' cash then peace out to a beach somewhere. Doc and I don't get the channel MSNBC (or is it CNBC?), but whenever we stay in a hotel or at our parents' homes, we tune in and watch that show American Greed. Have you ever seen it? It's a doc series about just such slimy businessmen and crooked bankers who bilk clients out of millions of dollars. I guess my pesky conscience would get in the way of something like that, but not if I selected my pigeons with a little finesse. Maybe I could find domestic abusers and sex offenders in prison and be like, "I'll knit you a really fashionable sweater for your cold jail nights if you give me $100" and then they would and I'd pocket the money and run away. They couldn't come after me because jail and I wouldn't feel bad because who cares about predators? Even if I got caught, what jury would convict me of stealing a hundy from a raper? And if found 100 prisoners to each give me 100 dollars, that works out to a million dollars, maybe ten million (not a good multiplier).

Inventions. I have so many more ideas for inventions, you guys. What about an alarm that connected your phone, your wallet or purse, and your keys? How often do you leave home without those three things, or with one and not the two others? When you leave your house, you could press a button on your keys, wallet, or phone, and an alarm would sound if you were missing one of the three. Not only that, but the thing you were missing would also start making noise. So if you try to leave your house without your wallet, your wallet starts going WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP until you find it under the sink for some reason. Or you could buy an upgraded version of the same technology that would let you know if you left the oven on or the water running? Or what about a version of Netflix that is free for you if you upload a certain number of movies yourself? I guess that’s ostensibly what a file sharing site is, but something like that which is not filled with viruses or mislabeled pornography. Another invention we could use? Hot ice cream (for when it’s cold outside).

Hard work. Uggggh. As Shakespeare said, “Aye, that’s the fucking thing, right?” I wish I could remember where, but I read a very interesting quote recently, where somebody said, “Everybody wants to have millions of dollars, but would you want the mind of a millionaire?” I interpreted that to mean what we already know about Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Jobs, which is that they may be geniuses, but they aren’t necessarily the most socially well-adjusted, well-rounded people. What would I have to sacrifice, to legitimately acquire a bunch of money? I already feel like me and the Doc don’t see enough of each other, and I only work 40 hours a week. If I ran a company or made savvy investments, I’d be one of those attached-to-my-Blackberry assholes who permanently seem like they’re on the verge of a heart attack. Plus, surely greed follows wealth. Maybe if I woke up tomorrow with seven million dollars I might be like, “Wonder if eight is better. Eight sounds better.” Still, though, give me the chance to find out! Maybe I’m just a Dreamer, but I’m not the only one...

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