And Now For Something Completely Different...

Hello Friends.

So Fallon's in for Leno, no one's in for Fallon yet, Kimmel's moving timeslots to compete. But you know what would really shake up late night tv? If they brought back sketches.

I love sketch comedy because it's so hard to do well, but when it is, there's nothing better. Consider that everyone in the world has a Saturday Night Live sketch that they love, by which they judge every other sketch on Saturday Night Live ("Well, it's no cowbell/Matt Foley/Bear City"). And apparently sketches used to be all over Johnny Carson's Tonight Show, where Johnny would play a variety of characters in little bits following a monologue but preceding the guests. Letterman has some absurd elements that border on sketch, but he never plays a character himself. For instance, Dave used to have "Man on Fire" who was an actual man on fire that would run out mid-monologue and yell stuff. Eventually, the gag was that sponsors could pay for a Man on Fire segment so Dave would be addressing the audience, then Man on Fire would run out and yell, "Subway! Eat fresh!" and then be extinguished. Maybe it's kind of stupid, but I loved it. Tonight Show heir apparent Jimmy Fallon comes from sketch, but barely does any on his show, and whenever he does, they are pre-taped pieces, which kinda ruins the spontaneity of it all.

Late night television is rarefied air, and the idea that someone new will take the reigns shortly in Jimmy Fallon's old spot is exciting. I don't think I could ever host a late night show because I think pretending to be interested in a bunch of Hollywood jerks every night is boring and stupid. However, I could help bring sketch back in a big way.

Dream: Write sketches for Late Night with Whomever the Fuck.

Goal: Achievable. Look, maybe I don't have any television experience. Maybe I don't have the comedy chops. Maybe I'm the last guy to be writing for a mass audience. But maybe blah blah blah (reasoning goes here).

Plan: Pitch sketch ideas here and now that are so awesome that it'll just be a matter of time before I'm stuck in an office with a bunch of Harvard comedy nerds, UCB superstars, and more of the whitest people you'll ever see in your life. Also, this may just be for ha-ha-ha's, but these sketch ideas are really mine and if any of you nerds steal them, at least have the courtesy to remove me from the Facebook Event listing for your shitty, awful revue. My ideas:

1) Schoolgirl Roleplay. In an attempt to spice up their sex life, a couple engages in some sexy schoolgirl roleplay that is quickly derailed when the man realizes the woman may have never actually received an education.

MAN: You've been very naughty today. Please stay after class for some...private tutoring.

WOMAN: Ooh, I hope I have enough apples for the teacher so I can apple teacher recess.

MAN: Um... what?
WOMAN: I filled my desk with pennies because no child left behind Pizza Day.

MAN: Honey, what do you think school is?

2) Dentist Do-Over. Nobody likes the monstrous dental hygienist who is never, ever satisfied with your brushing. Finally, a clever patient decides to visit the hygienist right after seeing another dentist across town and receiving a thorough cleaning. Even though the patient's teeth are gleaming, the hygienist remains dissatisfied with the patient's brushing technique and the patient flies into a rage and sets the building afire.

3) Charity Run. Helpful Steve has a post on the sidelines of the route in a charity run where he hands out paper cups of water to the runners. Steve wants to offer more than just water, and is pleased when his cups of Gatorade go over well with the passing athletes. He runs into trouble, then, when he hands out cups of hot tea, Bloody Marys, confectioner's sugar (for energy!), a bee ("WHY WOULD YOU GIVE A CUP WITH A BEE IN IT?" "That's for you to take home. That's your bee to keep"), and other miscellaneous non-water items that eventually ruin the race.

4) Dyson Commercial. That German Dyson guy introduces the Dyson Pubic Hair removal system. It eradicates hair from hard-to-reach places because of suction and, unlike other pubic hair removal systems, this one pivots on your balls.

5) Prank Problems. A Snake Husband pulls an April Fool's Day prank on his Snake Wife. He hands her what she thinks is a jar of peanut brittle, but when she opens it, it's actually some spring-loaded snakes! The surprised laughter quickly turns to rage, however, when the Snake Husband and Snake Wife realize the spring-loaded snakes in the jar are their three adult children.

SNAKE HUSBAND: What are you doing? You all left home years ago! Now you're doing this for a living?
SNAKE SON: Come on, Dad, relax! It's easy money.

SNAKE HUSBAND: Easy money! I sent you to Vasser! We scrimped and saved! You wanted to be a doctor! Now you're crouching in a can? Like WHORES?!
SNAKE WIFE: Look what you've done to your father!

SNAKE DAUGHTER: Mom, chill out! It's not like when you were a younger snake. It's hard to get a job now.
SNAKE WIFE: Where did we go wrong with you kids? I don't even feel like some peanut brittle anymore.
SNAKE DAUGHTER 2: There never was any peanut brittle, Mom. Obviously!

SNAKE HUSBAND: DON'T YOU SASS YOUR MOTHER! AFTER WHAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH!

6) Brick Breakers. Jon and Laura Brickman are headed to a costume party, dressed as bricks. Jon becomes startled by something in the road (maybe a bee in a cup or one of the snakes from a previous sketch), stumbles, and crashes through the picture window of David and Lemar, an interracial, interfaith gay couple with an autistic dog and a child with a syndrome where he has no bones. Jon and Laura become pariahs after this honest mistake of a brick costume through a window looks like a terrible hate crime. A recurring bit in this sketch could be the no bones child squeezed into hard to reach places like folded piously in Lemar's man purse because he's pliable like that because he has no bones.

7) My Robot Buddy. Brother and sister Billy and Amy hate their dumb chores and all their stupid homework! So they build their very own pots and pans robot named Robotron! WOW! AWESOME! And guess what? He cleans their room! And does their homework! AMAZING! COOOOL! Billy and Amy's mom comes to check their progress so they quickly hide Robotron under a sheet, and Mom is very impressed to see that the bedroom clean and homework done! The only problem is that now Robotron wants to have sex with Mom and will not be stopped, even if it means killing Dad. WHUH-OH!

Okay, so all these turds need a little polishing, but there's good stuff here, am I right? Also, wouldn't it be great if a funny lady performed in these sketches? Late night is such a boys club, let's get a woman in there to shake things up a bit. She can play a Mom snake, or even a sex robot!

There's nothing like seeing the funniest thing you've seen all day at the very end of your day. I hope some day, as I tucked in to Man on Fire, people will able to fall asleep to something I've written. That's bound to ensure a good night, and pleasant tomorrow.