Hello Friends.
Friendship is such a weird thing. It
occurs to me now that friendship is the one relationship that is
constant throughout your life. I don't mean you have the same friends
your whole lives, but rather that you always seek out and enjoy
friendships from the time you are a child until you are very old.
Sure, you have relationships with family members, but the dynamics
are wholly different when you're five versus twenty-five. And no one,
even the suavest among us, takes a lover at every turn from cradle to
grave.
I've been thinking about friends a lot
as they begin to spread out across the world and I see less and less
of them. I am starting to make new ones here in my home, but it seems
harder to do now than when I was a kid. A burgeoning friendship seems
so loaded, somehow, so fraught. Who invites whom out first? How much
do you reveal about yourself in a preliminary friend stage? And then,
if things aren't developing to your liking, how do you get out of a
friendship that you yourself may have initiated?
My clarinet took up room in my closet
about a month after I started band. I was a vegetarian for one
afternoon until I went to the grocery store and bought some
carcasses, like a sane person. But being a friend is something I have
done my whole life. It's time I start keeping a record of what I
know.
Dream: Write the rulebook on
Friendship.
Goal: Achievable. Like an online dating
profile that lists the particulars of your IBS or a Christmas letter
detailing the abuses suffered by Grandma at the Home, too much
information is not helpful. So these guidelines might be short, and
they might be vague, but they are essential.
Plan: List some do's and don't's about
winning friends, keeping them, and being a good one yourself.
1) DO be mindful of context. If you
have a friend who rides the same bus as your every day, don't
suddenly invite them to your nephew's bris. Sometimes a work friend
has to stay a work friend, sometimes a great couple you know become
boring and stupid without their significant others around. Not
everyone can be your bestie, so be aware of the environmental
particulars that accompany this friend, and change your settings with
caution.
2) DON'T star in The (Your Name Here)
Show. Friends who are great listeners are fantastic, but good
gracious, have some give and take. Not even your closest friend
places a higher premium on your life than their own, so don't behave
as if your life is more interesting, dramatic, or of greater
importance, than theirs. If you must have a Me-related coffee, treat
them to a You-related lunch.
3) DO develop a shorthand. My friend
Shannon (who, for the purposes of this blog, we'll call Louise) has a
way of instantly engaging in back-and-forth the instant she picks up
the phone or starts up a chat. There are no vague pleasantries with
Louise, just a ringing phone and then a, "I saw a spider in the
elevator today" and we're off and running. This kind of thing
reinforces our closeness and makes me glad that geographical distance
has no bearing on the quality of our connection.
4) DON'T blend the worlds. It is
incredibly tempting to believe that since you love Garfield and you
love Odie, then Garfield and Odie together will surely be best
friends. Not so. Blending social circles is great when it works, but
it's a bit like the guy who never gets hangovers, or the couple who
has a successful open relationship. It must work sometimes, but most
of the time, nope.
5) DO indulge some delusion. Honesty is
not always the best policy when it comes to friendship. I don't mean
you should lie to your friends, but every friendship has those Danger
Zones where you both intuitively know you shouldn't bring up x, y, or
z. Or, when these issues are addressed, you can lie, your friend will
agree with the lie and know that you are lying, and the next topic
arrives safely. For me, I can't handle any follow-up beyond vague
well-wishes about my career. Despite the fact that my income is low
and my prospects are grim, I get to say, "Things are really
coming together!" and "I've got some irons in the fire!"
And you go, "Ohhh, that sounds great, James! Look at you!"
In turn, I won't mention how your girlfriend belittles you at
parties, or the fact that you're probably an alcoholic.
6) DON'T live with a friend. I don't
even have my own evidence to support this, as I have always lived
solo or with a gentleman caller, but nearly everyone I know who has
lived with a friend has either kept the apartment or the friend, but
not both. That said, I think the reverse can be true. A roommate can
start out a roommate and become a friend, but that's because you know
all of their weird, "This is how I live" stuff really early
on.
7) DO put up with the one thing. Just
as there are a finite number of mates for us in this world, the same
is true for good friends. To that end, just put up with that one
thing about your friend, whatever it is, that drives you nuts. Maybe
so-and-so is a bit of a snob, or a pothead, or really cheap. So what?
If this trait doesn't overwhelm them as a person, put up with it. I
know that I am no goddamn picnic on the moon either, and I appreciate
those of you that have stuck around.
8) DON'T be a fixer. Boy, this one is
hard to abide. I like to think that I listen without judgement. I
really hope that's true sometimes. But so often, I want to fix a
problem that a friend is having that is absolutely not mine to fix. I
always give advice that is not solicited, or offer solutions to a
problem no one has articulated yet. I think it's only human nature to
want to help a friend, especially when they are in pain, but
sometimes all someone needs is for you to listen, and not fix.
9) DO forgive and forget. Fights and
falling-outs are just dumb. If a friendship is worth saving, swallow
your pride and say you're sorry, even if you're not. I really regret
the way I handled some former friendships. Rather than face up to any
wrongdoing, I became mean, snarky, and distant. I remember once
making some stupid, tasteless jokes around a friend who was more
religious than I knew. They said something like, "Just so you
know, I thought some of that was offensive. I'd rather you didn't
make those kinds of jokes around me." I'm embarrassed to report
that I didn't say, "I'm really sorry. I didn't realize the
effect my words were having. I'll be more mindful in the future.
Let's go get nachos!" Instead, I became instantly defensive.
"THAT'S JUST WHO I AM! YOU BETTER DEAL WITH IT!" and
completely cut that friend out of my life. I'll always feel really,
really stupid and sorry for that. Bearing that in mind...
10) DON'T let friendships slide. It's
so easy, especially with Facebook, to leave certain friendships
relatively dormant with the idea that you'll be able to pick up where
you left off when next you see each other. That is true of some
friends, sure, but not all. I hate that there are people I haven't
seen in a really long time, and that something in me prevents from
just expressing to them how much I miss them, and how sorry I am that
we're not hanging out like we used to. Circumstances and geography
count for a lot, but what is that piece of us, especially as we get
older, that prevents us from truly expressing love to our friends,
and real grief at the loss of time together?
I don't know why we spend so much of
our time and energy obsessing over finding a mate, all the while
taking our friendships for granted. I'm not saying the reverse should
be true. It would just be weird if I left the Doctor at home every
night to befriend a new person. Yet I hope that I treat my
relationships with friends as seriously as they deserve to be
treated. I've never understood the expression "Be your own best
friend." How boring. How about, the next time you read that in a
self-help book, greeting card, coffee mug, replace 'your own' with
'James'. Be James' best friend. Just call me up, name the time and
place. I'll be there.
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