Thursday, 7 April 2011

The Blogger Doth Protest Too Much...

Originally posted June 22, 2010...

Hello Friends.

I won’t be leaving the house during the upcoming G20 Summit.  Some dudes blew up a bank.  They firebombed it.  I think that’s the term, firebombed, though it always seems redundant to me.  Like hearing someone was knife-stabbed.  Anyway, the dudes who blew up the bank somehow let it be known they would be pulling this same kind of shit at the G20, which is a few weeks away and being held downtown.  So businesses are shutting down for the week, steetcars are being re-routed, and caution tape is flying off the shelf.  Policeman and other law enforcement (I guess more policeman) are getting all jazzed up and bringin’ the tear gas for protesters.  This all freaks me out, so I’m going to stay home and try to read or pluck a chicken or whatever people do.  Because as much as I hate the glad-handing, money-grubbing, oil-spilling politics of it all; as much as I may internally protest such a thing, I’m too frightened to actually go down there, pick up a sign, and protest.  And for a guy who does as much bitching as me, I don’t think I’ve ever protested anything.  This changes today.

Dream: To participate in a protest.

Goal: Achievable.  For every group, meeting or function with some kind of political stance or belief, there are protesters to complain about it.

Plan:  Find something worth protesting and get at ‘er.  As I’ve said, protesting major political events are too scary and tear-gassy for me.  Plus, to be honest, I don’t exactly what I’d be complaining about.  “Hey hey, ho ho!  You’re a bunch of rich people that are corrupted and I’m adversely affected somehow, I think I heard that on CBC once when I had the radio on for some reason!”  So the key would be to protest things that actually do chafe my nipples.   Things that may not have the scope of giant political rallies, but are just as potentially damaging.  Possible things to protest:

1) Paying for refills on pop at a restaurant.  Seems like that’s a given now.  When did we all decide this?  Time for a change.  Yes we can.

2) People who listen to their iPods so loudly that everyone can hear their shitty music.

3) Hurty sandals.

4) People who appear to be lip-synching to what you’re saying as you’re saying it.  Does anyone know what I mean?  It’s the weirdest habit that I can’t figure out.  It can’t be a conscious thing, so maybe it’s cruel to protest, but somebody’s gotta tell them to stop it.

5) Babies who don’t smile at you when  you smile at them.  Smile, babies!

6) Commercials before the commercials before the trailers before the movie at the theatre.  Here’s my solution to that, though.  They have to be commercials you can’t see on tv.  So if you’re at an R-rated movie, how about R-rated commercials.  Like the guy drives his Mazda around, gets out and goes, “Holy fucking shit!  Mazda!  Fuck!”

7) Emailed pictures of cats doing people things.

8 ) Smell-transfers.  You know, when you’re in close quarters with someone who smells SO bad that even after they leave the smell lingers and latches on to you?  Smell-transfers.

9) People who repeat Simpsons lines verbatim.  Most of us have seen the program and if we haven’t, your impression isn’t going to turn us around.

And finally…

10) Leon’s Furniture Warehouse.  A popular chain across the country, Leon’s is constantly advertising, which didn’t get my goat until I saw there most recent flyer.  The banner read, “Honey, We Shrunk Our Prices!”  Really, Leon’s?  Who thought of that awesome tagline?  Did somebody in marketing go, “Hey, remember that terrible Rick Moranis movie from 1989?  Where’s our piece of that?”  Honey, We Shrunk Our Prices!  Come on!  That was twenty years ago, and references weren’t funny then.  Leon’s!  Idiots!

Okay, so maybe none of these phenomena are protest-worthy.  Maybe these are petty annoyances clumsily thrown together for the purposes of a blog entry.  Or maybe, just maybe, these awful injustices have gone on for far too long and it’s up to someone like me to finally do something about it.

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