Catch the Fever...

Originally posted April 5, 2010...


Hello Friends,

Viruses are, historically speaking, bad.  Whether it is of the flu, computer or HI-variety, nobody likes a virus.  An email virus recently forced me to shut down the email address I’ve had since the seventh grade.  It sends our random emails allegedly from me, endorsing Viagra and porn.  In truth, I’m sort of honoured that Viagra and porn companies consider me an influential enough person to endorse their products.  Friends surely read these poorly worded emails and thought, “James likes these things?  He’s never steered me wrong before!  Look out penis, hard times ahead!”  But they were duped, it was all a hoax.

In recent years, however, virus has a more positive connotation, and not due solely to John Malkovich’s portrayal of Cyrus the Virus in the epic Con Air.  For something on the internet to “go viral”, it means it is so successful that millions of people have seen it.  Thanks to YouTube, Facebook, and Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza, ordinary folks become overnight celebrities.  I am an ordinary person and some of these people are less talented and appealing than me.  Because I am poor, bored, and transitioning emails, I have decided to take the internet by storm.  It is my new dream.

Dream: To go viral.

Goal: Achievable.  If Susan Boyle and a keyboard cat can do it, so too can I.

Plan: Several.  Mainly, to create something so appealing that millions of people will see it, tell others, and somehow I will benefit financially and afford those fancy lightbulbs that cost more but last for nine years.  Firstly, I could make a video featuring some bizarre, unique or inspiring content.  Here or some ideas for my video:

I could go to a posh downtown hotel and fill an elevator with eggs.  Then some rich so-and-so’s with monacles and fur coats would call the elevator down to the lobby, the elevator doors would open and EGGS!  BITCH!  That’s what I would say after the doors opened and the eggs spilled.  I would jump out of a nearby suitcase and scream “EGGS!  BITCH!”  This would catch the internet afire.
Employ the Susan Boyle principle.  That is, look and behave antithetically to what you are capable of.  The appeal of her seems to be that a confused Scottish schlub sings like an angel.  So therefore, in my video, I will drag myself out of bed, covered in Dorito crumbs like every day, but then lift a thousand pounds over my head.   And everyone would be like, “UNEXPECTED!”

The problem with these videos is that I would surely be caught dragging in thousands of eggs (and how to keep them unbroken while loading them into the elevator) and I don’t think I can lift a thousand pounds over my head.  Like maybe if I wanted to, but I don’t want to right now.

The other option is to fill a vacuum in the internet with something we all need, but don’t know we need, sites like Stop Making That Duckface or Look At This Fucking Hipster.  Who knew so many people made duckfaces in pictures, or looked like fucking hipsters?  So I just need to find a niche and explore it.  Here are my ideas for websites:

Is That A Car.com featuring blurry pictures of large objects and viewers determine if they’re looking at a car.

Gabies.com videos and testimonials of gay people with rabies.  “Girl, this is FOAMY!” would be one of my captions.

CandyPhalange.com people’s fingers and toes replaced with candy?  I don’t know, I’m reaching here.

Lastly, I can just hope this blog somehow takes off.  I will send a link to bigcityjames to all the famous faces who run their own websites (so far all I can think of is Rosie O’Donnell, but I’ll do some research).  In the meantime, I’ll keep thinking of clever ideas and look down upon you all from my perch in the internet stratosphere.

Not a very strong ending, is it?

EGGS, BITCH!