Simply the Best...

Originally posted February 4, 2010...


Hello Friends.

It’s an exciting time to be old James, let me tell you what.  I just closed an awesome show, I bought jeans with holes pre-sewn into them and I have two different kinds of dip in my fridge.  While it doesn’t get much better than that, I would like to have a reliable source of income, to keep my dip supplies ample.  This means getting another Job.  I wish I didn’t have to pound the pavement to find said Job.  I wish I could just Work at my chosen Career.  Unfortunately, Work is something those on my Career-path do for Free, so they need a Job to keep Working.  I’m not good enough at acting or writing to be an Actor or Writer, at least not yet, so my options are limited.  However, I think I’ve found a solution that will keep me in the black.

Dream: To be The Best at something.

Goal: Achievable.  The Best Teachers, Chefs, Restauranteurs, Thieves, Businessmen and Smokers all Work in their chosen Careers and make tons o’cash.  I just need to corner the market on that marketable skill that makes me unique; one in which I am The Best.

Plan: Become The Best at a particular thing.  There are some things, I can say without false modesty, that I am fuckin’ awesome at.  It’s just a quick trip from fuckin’ awesome to The Best, so if I can make that leap, success will follow.  These things are:

1) Coordinating a toilet flush to reach it’s zenith just as I finish peeing.  Like right that second.  When I’m about two-thirds done, I flush, so that when the toilet has reached it’s frenzied flushing climax, I complete my act.  You could set your watch to that.

2) Avoiding a falling kitchen knife.  I know when we’re cutting something in the kitchen and the knife slips away from us, we all do that knife-avoiding dance as it falls, but I am exceptional at that.  I will often leave the house before it hits the floor.

3) Coming up with the right things to say to dogs or the children of strangers.  Today I said to a dog, “Are you a cold dog today?” and when I saw a kid dressed up like a dinosaur, “Are you a dinosaur today?”  Neither met with much reaction, but what do kids or dogs know?  Trust me, they love that.

4) Keeping socks with holes in them.  Most people throw them away, but I shove them to the back of the drawer just in case, one day, those particular spots on my feet that wear through my socks are exceptionally warm, so the sock-hole provides ventilation.

5) The double-chin face, or, should the occasion require it, the triple or quad chin face.

6) Not staring at blind people.  I know most people reason, “They’re blind!  They won’t notice if I stare at them and their cool stick!”  But I feel like they can sense it, and tactfully look away.  Unless it’s dark out and the sticks are glowing.  Have you guys seen that?  Awesome!

Well that’s it.  I’m not sure if and when this will all work out, but it’s bound to.  When Orville Redenbacher declared himself the king of making popcorn, I’ll bet people read his blog and laughed, but who’s laughing now?  So it may be awhile before the Career takes off, but I can keep Working for free, if I can sell myself as The Best, which is quite a Job to do.